Somewhere, probably in a temperature-controlled office lit by taxpayer-funded fluorescent lights, a gang of climate hysterics decided it was time to sound the next false alarm: global warming is coming for your dreams. That’s right. If the planet warms by a couple degrees, you won’t just sweat a little more—you’ll sleep less. And if you sleep less, according to these clowns, you might die. Cue the dramatic music and the UN PowerPoint.
Abstract
The impact of rising ambient temperatures on sleep and its phases under climate change is becoming increasingly concerning but remains underexplored. Sleep, consisting of non-rapid eye movement and rapid eye movement phases, is crucial for health, and insufficient sleep in either phase could have significant implications. Based on sleep monitoring data of 23 million days from 214,445 participants across mainland China, we investigated how daily average temperature affected sleep. For each 10 °C increase in ambient temperature, the odds of sleep insufficiency increased by 20.1%, while total sleep duration decreased by 9.67 minutes, with deep sleep declining the most (by 2.82%). Projections under the unrestricted (SSP5-8.5) greenhouse gas emission scenario suggest that by the end of the century, sleep insufficiency could rise by 10.50%, with an annual loss of 33.28 hours of sleep per person. These findings highlight the potential of climate warming to exacerbate sleep deprivation and degrade sleep quality, especially for the elderly, women, individuals with obesity, and regions of South, Centre and East.
This deeply unserious study out of China—blessed, of course, by Nature Communications (a publication that has long since traded rigorous science for progressive catechism)—makes the mind-numbing claim that rising temperatures are causing people to lose sleep. The culprit? Not noisy neighbors, too much screen time, or China’s brutal urban density. Nope. It’s “climate change,” the all-purpose demon invoked every time someone stubs a toe or misplaces their AirPods.
The study boasts about analyzing 23 million sleep records from over 214,000 people in China using Huawei smart devices. Because when it comes to objective medical data, nothing says “trustworthy” like consumer gadgets from a surveillance state.
The researchers conclude—with a straight face—that a 10°C increase in average temperature leads to a 20.1% increase in sleep insufficiency and a devastating (hold onto your pillow) loss of 9.67 minutes of sleep per night. Deep sleep is reduced by 3.58 minutes. Oh, the humanity.
If you’re laughing, you’re not alone.
You’d think a minor drop in deep sleep could be chalked up to a new mattress or your neighbor’s karaoke addiction. But no. These authors go full apocalyptic, projecting that under the IPCC’s most extreme emissions scenario (the infamous SSP5-8.5, aka the Mad Max fantasy lane of climate predictions), people could lose—wait for it—33.28 hours of sleep per year by 2099.
That’s right. In 75 years, if we don’t abandon airplanes and steak, Chinese adults might lose 30 hours of snoozing. That’s about two bad weekends of sleep. And this, apparently, is an argument for global emissions restrictions, carbon taxes, and presumably a government-subsidized pillow redistribution program.
But let’s not gloss over the real comedy here. The whole thing is based on correlation. The authors themselves acknowledge they didn’t measure indoor temperature, air conditioning usage, or even basic confounders like income or occupation. Their sleep data? Sourced from voluntary Huawei smartwatch users who had to opt in. You know, the exact kind of scientific randomness you’d expect from a TikTok challenge.
And the projections? Modeled using Shared Socioeconomic Pathways—that is, computer-generated crystal ball gazing that makes astrology look positively rigorous. Remember SSP5-8.5? The “unrestricted emissions” scenario even the IPCC admits is wildly implausible? These authors not only used it—they based their conclusions on it.
The punchline is in their own words:
“Our findings highlight the importance of mitigating greenhouse gas (GHG) emission and implementing tailored adaptive measures for vulnerable regions and subgroups to alleviate the sleep deprivation and degraded sleep quality associated with climate warming.”
Translation: Let’s throw trillions of dollars at net-zero policies because your smartwatch said you tossed and turned last night.
Here’s the truth: this isn’t science. It’s ideological performance art dressed up in spreadsheets. The climate priesthood isn’t content with claiming climate change will flood cities and kill polar bears—they now insist it’s responsible for insomnia, bad moods, and your toddler’s tantrum. If a leaf falls off a tree, it’s because you didn’t buy carbon credits.
There’s something deeply grotesque about using speculative future sleep loss to push present-day climate policies that will definitely destroy jobs, raise energy costs, and wreck the economies of the very people these “researchers” pretend to protect.
Enough. If your sleep is bad, try turning off your phone and using blackout curtains. But don’t let the climate cult tuck you in with fear-porn masquerading as science.
The only thing truly losing sleep should be this junk paper’s credibility.
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